The Actor

Living out a play, that is my life
Who needs to think when there are lines to read
Carefully memorized, and structured to keep the audience guessing
I do not need to breath, there are costumes to wear
Faces to have
Lines to read

Every one smiles and I laugh along
It’s a careful game of give and take
You have to know when to read
And when to improvise because someone else is forgetting their part.
You can’t begin to frown
Everyone is watching
Say your lines.

Don't forget, say something funny
Oh look here comes the smile
That's my cue
Laugh
Smile back
Say my next line; this time with feeling

They laugh and I walk away feeling nothing
But smiling all the same
When I'm alone the smiles gone
I sigh
Breath, for the first time today
Bang my head against the wall and beg for it to be over

A few precious moments of silence and I'm ready to cry just to feel something real
I play this part although I hate it.
For you
You are my everything
And you can’t know that
Because you hate me
I don't hate you, but I pretend to

There's a knock on the door and the costumes back on
They enter, my usual friends plus one
My sparing partner
I glare I throw words like punches
You stand there
Now this is different, time to improvise

Another line and then boom
It hits them like a bomb
My feelings
Just as expected, they recoil
"Why would you bring that here?"
Fake tears

You reach out and grab me, hold me close
Tell me everything is going to be okay
My tears stop
I'm shocked to silence
This isn't your part
Why aren't you saying your lines?
I'm not this good of an actor

I look away groping for words
Where is the player whose supposed to be stage right?
Why have they done this to you?
I need you to be my catalyst
You keep this play alive.
You keep me alive.

Where is my Armor my shield?
Where is my protection?
Where is my usual sparing partner?
Why have you been replaced by this pacifist?
I need this fight
I need this anger
My next scene is coming up
Don’t ruin my ending.

Tonight the stage is wrong. Tonight no one is reading
Tonight I'm on trial.
For faking it.
I react.
Anger. I push you away
"Leave me alone."

And then there's a scene change
The curtains close and everyone goes home
Sitting, staring, for the first time I'm lost on stage
Where are the costumes? Where are the sets?
Without my lines to read
How will I know what happens next?

I move away from the door; the costumes are torn to pieces
There is nothing left to build from
I have a choice to make
Do I try to go on? And patch this play together for a ragtag finish?
Or do I end it here?
I make a decision.

It is time for the ending.

Automatic Defense Systems

There are these things I do
They're automatic
Like a robot
A reflex that saves me from getting hurt
This is my defense against the world

You say some thing painful
I react without thinking
This is how you get hurt
I can’t plan these things
They just happen

You fire back
And now its a war zone
There are words flying through the air before I can stop them
You reach out and slam your fist into my face
You don't mean it

You look horrified, and say your sorry, you reach out to touch me
I don't forgive you
I reach back and hit you as hard as I can
You look stunned
As if you never expected that from me

I'll give you everything I've got.
Until there is nothing left of you
Or until there is nothing left to protect me
Either way we are both going down
I refuse to die alone

The Truth About a Sex Addict

There is no one here tonight
I've been using people
As a way to make my self feel better
I feel ugly when I'm not wanted
Like no one really cares

The people I'm sleeping with don't give a fuck about me
I'm not stupid
I know that
But I get a few moments of peace, of relaxed silence
Right after a few harsh words and an orgasm

Five minutes later I'm ready for more
The feelings are coming back
I'll ask a boy to say the night
Pretend like I don't want him to hold me
Because I know that he wont if I ask him to

Another night a new person
She's so pretty that she makes me feel dumb
I use her to validate my existence
Every time she screams my name
I know I'm alive, I'm wanted

She doesn't stay.
I don't ask her too
I lie when I promise to call her
I hope to never see her again
She was just another mistake, another tragedy.

I've been trying too hard not to feel so alone
Hoping that some one will make me feel normal again.
This leaves me with nothing more than a hollow feeling
Tomorrow I'll go out and meet some one new
Maybe they can fix me

Something Stupid

I did something stupid
Really stupid
I kissed you
And I should have known better
Fuck I did know better

I really knew better
I just wanted it
Something more than sex
Just for one damn night
How could I be so stupid?

And now I’m paying the ultimate price
I don’t kiss on the mouth
Ever
I know better than to let you win
I know better than to get emotionally involved

The last person I kissed
Made my life a living hell
He was horrible, wicked
He made me do the unthinkable
He made me lose myself

You and I are not kissing again
Regardless of whether or not it was amazing
You and I are nothing more
Than sex and one night stands
You and I are nothing

Fuck Buddies

I saw him again
That guy I’m having sex with
He remains the biggest pain in the ass
I have ever met

It’s really awkward to see your fuck buddy
And not fuck
He kept staring at me
All he saw was my shame

I would like to never relive that particular experience again

It’s not the sex that I’m ashamed about.
I mean really it was fucking amazing
I’m worried I’ve done something stupid
And I can’t go back on it.

I’m seeing him again in two days time
I need that like a hole in the head
A long as I never have to see him
When we aren’t having sex

I’ll be fine.