I find myself
wondering what a healthy relationship is, I don't know what to do in
one even if I had one to be in. I find it frustrating because I want
to be happy but how can I be happy if I don't even know how to be
happy by myself?
Needless to say I
ended things with Hansel. It does suck but he was constantly
triggering me to binge, and ending this relationship has given me
just one more reason to not eat. I'm down to 131.2 as of this
morning. A few minutes ago I weighed myself and I was 131 [after a
bowel movement]. The majority of my diet these days is coffee and
prunes, I don't see the need to eat much else to be honest. Last
night I did eat a tiny bit of Alfredo chicken pasta but luckily it
was not enough to make me gain today. And it got my mom off my back
for not eating at the house at all this week.
In other news I
just watched the “Starving in Suburbia” movie and I am
unimpressed. It did to some extent trigger me because she got to 115
pounds, that is my current goal weight for those of you who don't
know, and then decided to hit 103. I worry that I am doing that
already. I look in the mirror and I think 16 pounds is not enough to
like how I look. But I know I am not allowing myself to get below
105. THAT IS THE SMALLEST I WILL GO. NO BULLSHIT I NEED TO STOP IF I
HIT THAT! But can I? Is it possible that me myself and I have hit the
land of no return? That I'm back in the ED world unable to escape? I
don't think so. I think I just need to remain in control and keep
pushing because lets face it in the end all I need to do is hit my
goal weight and I will be totally okay.
Nope that
doesn't sound delusional at all does it.
Nope. Nope.
Nope.
Anyhow I am
getting a new job in Animal Control I think I mentioned that already,
and I am a little scared of what will happen when I actually start
the job. I mean my medication is going to cost a small fortune for
three months with no insurance and I am unwilling to get off of it or
I will gain weight like crazy... But the good news is once I am
settled in I will be able to afford to move out again. And my good
friend Dev is willing to move out with me. We both want to get a
house and its going to be awesome, a real yard and everything. :]
Thus far today I have eaten a total of 40 calories. I am not hungry
at all but I need to get online to post this so I am going to have to
go get coffee here and actually post this online. It's sad that I am
only willing to up my calorie intake for the sake of having coffee.
Dear lord I am mentally ill. >.<'
I
have more bills to pay than I do money to pay them with at the
moment. It's driving me totally bat crap crazy. Anyhow I am currently
at the coffee shop and hopefully I will soon be paying all my bills.
I know I'm half broke already what good is it to pay bills now? I
guess I am really just trying to keep my head above water. Not
having Matt around makes life a little harder financially but over
all I think it's better still. I might struggle but at least I don't
have anyone calling me a fat cow anymore. Who wants to be triggered
all the time anyhow? I think it's bloody miserable! Although I kid
you not there is a couple of men next to me talking about losing
weight and while they both need to, [obviously they are not small
guys I promise I am not being a judgmental whore or anything] I feel
weird being able to over hear them because I'm in a tank top and
shorts and I feel gigantic, like a giant whale really, and here they
are happy to have a little more wiggle room in their britches. I find
it disturbing in a way because I remember when I started just trying
to eat healthy that I was ridiculously happy to have my clothes
growing looser. I was so excited to have people complimenting my
weight loss and here I sit now drinking my coffee extremely slow and
contemplating tossing it because of the calorie content. I mean I
could walk two miles and get rid of these calories I don't know what
is wrong with me today. I miss having someone to talk to about losing
weight because I really can't start telling my friends and family
about the agony I feel over being forced to eat a cookie, or even a
spoonful of pasta. I'm not skinny enough to be sick so I don't feel
right talking about my illness. It's funny how that works... Once I
am skinny enough to qualify as sick I know I won't want to talk about
it for fear of getting caught.
This has been happening to me more and
more though, I start to feel okay and then drama happens and I can't
even contemplate eating because I don't want to get fat. I tell
myself I could eat if I wanted to but could I really? If I decided to
quit today and go back into recovery is this something I could put
down and never go back to? My pride says yes but my history says
otherwise. This isn't the first time I have dealt with the idea of
this. I mean really at the end of the day is this an illness or a
choice?
I remember when all of this started for
me I was making conscious choices to reject food. I remember
thinking to myself 'If I don't eat that I can prove how strong
I am.” That was a choice I made followed by a thousand other
choices that eventually led me here. Now I can't even begin to
explain the irrational fear that takes hold of me at the thought of
going to a restaurant. Or GOD FORBID going grocery shopping;
when I have to go it fills me with such anxiety I can't handle it I
usually either buy something horrible and binge and then purge it. I
know when I was making these choices I never wanted to get here. I
never wanted to have panic attacks when people touch me because I
don't want them to feel my fat. I didn't choose this part of this
disease. I did idolize anorexics though, I wanted to be skinny and
thin and have that kind of self control. I wanted that part of it
dreadfully. Well here I am sick as hell losing my hair pounding
vitamins and painting my nails everyday so that they wont break. When
I work out I get chest pains, my blood work looks like shit and even
my doctor is telling me not to lose anymore weight. But I still hate
the way I look. I still can't stand myself and now I'm ruining
everything I touch and it's only making the self loathing worse. I
want to shrink until I can't be seen anymore. I want to show everyone
what I can do and how well I can control myself. It's sick I'm
mentally ill I know that but did I choose this?
I fucking hope not.
Miss Sinister
