Fever Dreams

It feels as if I am moving from dream to dream, it's like I'm in one place secure and happy with what is going on around me and then suddenly without any warning I'm hurling through time and space trying to catch my footing before I tumble into a volcano. It's the kind of dreaming that you have when a fever takes you. It's hard, fast and completely based in a language no one but the truly insane will ever understand. Life seems okay, I'm six years old smiling at my father from across the dinner table and then flash forward; now I am watching him cry at my funeral.

I can't make sense of these dreams. They haunt me like waking nightmares, even in the bright sunlight of midday there they are hiding just over my shoulder taunting me with every breath I dare not take. At this very moment I am being eaten in the tall grasses by a creature I cannot name screaming to every god that can't hear me begging for death, meanwhile my carcass is rotting in the ice caves of a dark city farther north. Is this the future hunting me? Am I to learn my fate? Or are these just fever dreams, led on by my welcoming insanity to embrace me. I will never know. If these are truly my futures, one of many choices I have left to make, I have too many roads to walk and too many places to go before I get there, it will be a surprise no matter how I try to move on. And now I am an old woman nothing more than flesh and rotting bones. A widow in a broken house with no one but ghosts left to comfort me.

I am fearful, in the same way that all of us fear what has not come to pass, but though all of this I know I am not to live this way. I am not the kind to cower and shake. I will look over my shoulder I will laugh take a deep breath and scream: "Come and get me if you dare!" I do not fear death for I am death and life and everything important and nothing that matters. I am both the present and the past, the living and the dead. I am not scared of what I am nor what I might become. Those who cannot learn to know me will leave, time will pass and I shall remain a nightmare, a figure in the dark and the light that shines to give you hope in your darkest of dreams. I will be the dream you cannot wake from. I will be the angel and the devil and I shall fear none but gods and goddesses who made me. None can judge me for only those who truly know me can see me for myself. I shall be the torment and I will help the victim. Never again will fear force me to be anyone I am not.

I will wake from this fever whole and unharmed and once these dreams have passed I will take my place in the hall of nightmares that scare you in the night. Never again will you see me in the daylight hours for now I am nothing, just a creature of the night.

Sweet Dreams,

Mayhem

My father is from Eden, hell hath bore his name. So now when you see him cry, you must do the same.

Take a chance and stop to learn from my mistakes,
From his lips come powers, which you alone can shape.
Words slip out like poison, dripping in their sickness.
Now alone you must stand the one and only witness.

I fear that if we don’t move now, we might end up dead
Upon a path that I don’t know and that I fear to tread
Does this endless winding road lead to some place home?
Or am I doomed to this forever, must I always roam?

His words finally out and open, ready and exposed
True his words like vipers have poisons in their folds
I have learned from past mistakes my scars and bruises healed
So now I unprotected can cross this bloody field

When there is nothing left, of him or me or you
I hope that somewhere somehow you can find what’s true
And in the end when he and I have gone our separate ways
The serpent deep inside I know will finally have his say

Not Dead Yet

Onto an update.

I am in New York, crazy as it might seem I love it here. This might be my new favorite place in the whole wide world. I want to move here so bad now. It is absolutely beautiful, and if you smile at people while you are alone on the subway they think you are crazy! :]

So besides New York being fantastic, love and miss my Fiance so much. WOLF COME HERE AND GIVE ME CUDDLES IMMEDIATELY! It's extremely taxing being away from him. I am so needy it is sad.

So I want to get married in October in New York. It is so beautiful here with the leaves and the trees. I am so jealous of the people who get to live here. I found a bunch of wedding photo's and dress ideas so now I am on the hunt for dresses and other such wedding details. Of course my lovely Wolf isn't here to help me. *Depressed Sigh* I am hoping he will be getting involved soon, and that he wants to do similar stuff as me. That way this can run very smoothly. :]

Holy god, I can't wait to be married. I wont it to be done today so we can just skip the hard stuff, you know like money and finding a place to live, and just get to the happy couple thing. I am so pathetic. I mean really I've gone from the amazing hardcore lets go dance Kandi Kid and turned into a sap. GAH! Someone shoot me please.

Other than the wedding stuff I have officially decided to avoid direct contact with Rat, MomaBear, and Weasel. I am not going to not be friends with them, they are family after all but I don't feel as if I can really trust them and I know they don't trust me. As such I am not going to try extremely hard or go out of my way to see them. I am going to let them decide when I am worth it and when I am not. I will be expecting nothing from them and as such I will not be disappointed yet again. I refuse to let these things happen, I have been letting people hurt me and I know that it is wrong. Every time I think I have gotten my point across I hit another brick wall. I really just want to be done with it. I'm really just done.

Other than that:

If vodka was water and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up.
But vodka's not water, and I'm not a duck, so pass me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

Written by: iEaT tOxIc CrAyOnS

I found this quote at GaiaOnline.com I thought it was brilliant and I just had to share it. I do not know the writers actual name so I am hoping her username will suffice. I am curious to hear what other people actually think of this. So please let me know.

Yours Truly,
Mayhem

Bound To Happen

Sometimes I wonder at my state of affairs. I wonder who is real and who is fake? Who is out to get me, and who is only trying to have a good time? These questions have answers, very important answers that I need, but who will give them to me? Certainly not the people in question, because they might lie to you.

I have a hatred of liars; I know this because I used to be one of them. Don’t get me wrong I do still lie, and to say I didn’t would be untruthful, the only reason I believe I am not amongst the group “liars” is because of the things they lie about. Here is how you can learn to classify yourself. [Trust me I’ve already classified you so you might as well know about it.]

If you are lying about, oh I don’t know lets say Santa Claus; then you are okay in my book. Especially when small children are involved because sometimes little lies are needed to keep their magic alive. If you are lying to save your life, and I do mean ‘save’ as in a dire life or death situation, please do I would rather you be alive than dead. If you are lying to protect someone else's secrets, there are ways to not tell their story and not lie; this is called having common sense. If you are lying for selfish reasons, get the fuck out of my life I don’t want you here.

It is my personal belief that everyone lies. It is impossible not to. You might lie about where you are going so your parents wont get angry. You might lie about where you live because you can’t trust your friend. [Which by the way means you aren’t friends. How can you be friends with people you don’t trust?] You and I and everyone on the fucking globe lies, the only difference is in the type of deceit. If your lies hurt someone, then you are a bad person. If your lies help yourself only, you are a bad person. If your lies help one person and hurt another person then you are not worth my time.

Most of the time when people annoy me, I can let it slide off my shoulder and ignore it. It is very rare than anyone has the ability to get me truly angry, at the moment I am fucking pissed. I was invited to a party, perhaps with good intentions, and as for those of you who actually have the tiniest glimpse of who I am know I hate 95% of all parties. Especially when there are people whom I fucking despise on the guest list. It also doesn’t help that I don’t know any of the other guests. So whom would I run to for help? Oh that’s right no one would be there for support because my goddamn friends would be to busy playing host for the parasites that I can’t stand. Now normally I would brush this off as them trying to be polite and decline and never speak to them again. I mean you would assume that if they were your friends that they wouldn’t even think of inviting you when these people were involved. Friends are normally good that way; they don’t force you into situations where you have to be pleasant and civil to those you despise. But this time I have to wonder; with this group of friends, who have a history of being great pals with these aforementioned parasites; what the fuck were they thinking?

So I did what all curious people do, I asked questions and I was told that they wanted me to be a part of their lives. I laugh at this, you want me to be a part of your lives? Not two weeks ago I told you to your faces that I didn’t want to be a part of any parties and your response was, and I quote: “Then don’t be angry when we don’t hang out with you very often.” True friendship there. I mean damn the warm fuzzy feelings that spring up because of this makes me want to kill you.

So there you have it folks. Right after this lovely conversation this party issue springs up. I take it that they have decided that I am not a friend, because really what kind of friend does that to you, and no longer wish to do friend type things. If that is or is not how you feel please feel free to respond angrily in comment form.

Please fuck off.
SM