Let's go out and rock the town,
Blow it up and knock it down.
The girls are hunting looking for meat,
With him in my hands as a special treat.
The moon is out making us crazy,
And all I want is to hunt my baby.
Holding his heart in my hands,
Praying that this is our last stand.
Knowing the hunted want us to fall,
We go out and risk it all.
Our pack is growing looking for meat.
But the big cats know; we’ve got you beat.
This is about me and my life. It is my journey through time and space and about personal discovery. This will be triggering and hard to read, you have been warned.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Wolves and Lions
Baby you call me
Sugar, Hun
You have no idea
That I can’t be your one
You call my name
And I’m seconds behind you
Knowing following
Because I really like you
Although we are both human
Or at least appear as such
You have no idea what I am
Or why I crave your touch
History has made us
The most mysterious of all creatures
Shrouded in our enigma
We grew up without teachers
The lions have left
They are far from our home
Perhaps they have found
New lands to roam
The wolves are gone too
They left you alone
But as lions and wolves
Our feud has grown
Maybe we alone
Could learn to see
But lions and wolves
Aren’t meant to be
Sugar, Hun
You have no idea
That I can’t be your one
You call my name
And I’m seconds behind you
Knowing following
Because I really like you
Although we are both human
Or at least appear as such
You have no idea what I am
Or why I crave your touch
History has made us
The most mysterious of all creatures
Shrouded in our enigma
We grew up without teachers
The lions have left
They are far from our home
Perhaps they have found
New lands to roam
The wolves are gone too
They left you alone
But as lions and wolves
Our feud has grown
Maybe we alone
Could learn to see
But lions and wolves
Aren’t meant to be
On Fire
Tonight I’m out dancing, with my loaded gun
Nobody told me that this was such fun
Love me, know me, and tell me the truth
But don’t you dare smile if you can’t follow through
Lover, you and I are like lions and wolves
Far apart and separate like they said we should
But now you want me to be close at hand
Lover you scare me, is this our last stand?
Tonight is the night that we catch on fire
To burn short but brightly, like a brilliant star
Tonight is the night that we both die
And when they come knocking, they'll wonder why
Nobody told me that this was such fun
Love me, know me, and tell me the truth
But don’t you dare smile if you can’t follow through
Lover, you and I are like lions and wolves
Far apart and separate like they said we should
But now you want me to be close at hand
Lover you scare me, is this our last stand?
Tonight is the night that we catch on fire
To burn short but brightly, like a brilliant star
Tonight is the night that we both die
And when they come knocking, they'll wonder why
Nighttime Horrorville
I keep having nightmares. But I can’t tell if they are visions of the future or mirages in the desert. Perhaps they are just my nighttime horrors that I can’t shake even in the brightest of daylights.
These dead things haunt me, even in my waking hours.
Rotting skeletons are crying out their stories in mere whispers, they beg me to listen they want me to know. But I don’t know what it is they are trying to tell me. They say: “Help me. I am dead, I need you. Stop this infection from spreading. Growing inside me like a mold built only to corrupt.” I cannot look away. The horror is spreading.
I wake and turn over. Wolf isn’t here to guard my dreams, I curl around a large stuffed toy like a child and cry until I can finally go back to sleep.
Riots are breaking out, people are screaming, being trampled others move into help but they are useless the chaos is too great and they only get swallowed up by the masses and become victims of the terror and corruption. I am watching from the classroom of eternal knowledge. I am in the only place I have ever felt safe and innocent. The teacher wants us to figure out a math problem to describe the violence. I can’t look away from the screen. I struggle to get out of my chair, but I’m not in my chair. I’m strapped down flat and I’m forced to watch it continue.
Again I wake, this time my throat is raw like I’ve been screaming. I can’t figure out what it is I’ve done to deserve this. I look around me; the light is barely shining in through my window. I’m scared and alone.
I’ve been here before. A dark parking lot that seems to stretch out into nothingness. There are trees on the outskirts maybe one or two but mostly there is just him and me. I can’t see him. I smell him, and I smell fear. “You scared of me?” There I went, over confident as always when will I ever learn? I hear foot steps running circles but still I see nothing but the empty parking lot, glowing in the light of the moon. “Don’t play with me, just come out and face me--” then I was on he ground, out of breath looking up at nothing but the moon and a shadowed figure. I never even saw it jump me. A tasteless piece of cloth was shoved in my mouth and a bag was pulled over my head. A sharp pain in my arm and everything went dizzy as I realized that there was a needle in my arm. I twisted pulled and only succeeded in terrifying myself further. Fear took over and finally I passed out. I was left in darkness, scared and alone.
I am never favored with dreams that make me smile; always I am plagued by nighttime dramatics that would terrify even the hardest horror fanatic. I am just a pawn in my dreams. a victim and an observer. Never can I save anyone. Not even myself.
There is the sound of an old floor creaking and the stench of something sterile. My eyes were heavy, tired. They didn’t want to open, I forced them. I moved with the sluggish quality of a drugged animal. Tired and weak I tried to get up only to strike my head roughly against the cage’s bars. I groaned, the sound of someone hurt echoed throughout the walls and only confused me more. I was tired, and sick. But sleep was not an option. I looked around me; my nearly useless eyes caught sight of something shiny, a glass bottle. I reached through the bars praying that my arms were long enough to reach it. Finally after what seemed like hours, the bottle was in my grip. I read the writing. CODINE. It was a clear liquid and on the tray was an injection needle. I felt like I was swirling and then suddenly I was back on the floor. The bottle was back on the table this time out of reach. I felt normal again, not as tired but still unnatural. There was a man in the corner. I could smell him he stunk compared to the cleanness of the room. It as then that I realized it was bleach. Everything had been washed in bleach, and scrubbed until it was smooth to the touch. Even me. I had no scent there was nothing to track me with, there was no one who would find me. I was completely and utterly alone. I think it was then that I started screaming.
I can’t sleep without Wolf nearby, if I try to then they always come back.
The doctor had me again. But this time there were no bottles to be seen, only needles. I couldn’t see his face only his hands. They were cold and gloved gripping my arm hard enough to bruise. I tried to pull away but he still had me, he wouldn’t let me go. The needles changed colors there was a clear one, a yellow one, a brown one. They all did different things. I was scared, terrified really. There was nothing I could do. No where left to run. No one to come looking. I was going to die and it was going to be painful and slow.
I’m scared of my dreams. How am I supposed to sleep if I can’t breathe unless I’m awake?
These dead things haunt me, even in my waking hours.
Rotting skeletons are crying out their stories in mere whispers, they beg me to listen they want me to know. But I don’t know what it is they are trying to tell me. They say: “Help me. I am dead, I need you. Stop this infection from spreading. Growing inside me like a mold built only to corrupt.” I cannot look away. The horror is spreading.
I wake and turn over. Wolf isn’t here to guard my dreams, I curl around a large stuffed toy like a child and cry until I can finally go back to sleep.
Riots are breaking out, people are screaming, being trampled others move into help but they are useless the chaos is too great and they only get swallowed up by the masses and become victims of the terror and corruption. I am watching from the classroom of eternal knowledge. I am in the only place I have ever felt safe and innocent. The teacher wants us to figure out a math problem to describe the violence. I can’t look away from the screen. I struggle to get out of my chair, but I’m not in my chair. I’m strapped down flat and I’m forced to watch it continue.
Again I wake, this time my throat is raw like I’ve been screaming. I can’t figure out what it is I’ve done to deserve this. I look around me; the light is barely shining in through my window. I’m scared and alone.
I’ve been here before. A dark parking lot that seems to stretch out into nothingness. There are trees on the outskirts maybe one or two but mostly there is just him and me. I can’t see him. I smell him, and I smell fear. “You scared of me?” There I went, over confident as always when will I ever learn? I hear foot steps running circles but still I see nothing but the empty parking lot, glowing in the light of the moon. “Don’t play with me, just come out and face me--” then I was on he ground, out of breath looking up at nothing but the moon and a shadowed figure. I never even saw it jump me. A tasteless piece of cloth was shoved in my mouth and a bag was pulled over my head. A sharp pain in my arm and everything went dizzy as I realized that there was a needle in my arm. I twisted pulled and only succeeded in terrifying myself further. Fear took over and finally I passed out. I was left in darkness, scared and alone.
I am never favored with dreams that make me smile; always I am plagued by nighttime dramatics that would terrify even the hardest horror fanatic. I am just a pawn in my dreams. a victim and an observer. Never can I save anyone. Not even myself.
There is the sound of an old floor creaking and the stench of something sterile. My eyes were heavy, tired. They didn’t want to open, I forced them. I moved with the sluggish quality of a drugged animal. Tired and weak I tried to get up only to strike my head roughly against the cage’s bars. I groaned, the sound of someone hurt echoed throughout the walls and only confused me more. I was tired, and sick. But sleep was not an option. I looked around me; my nearly useless eyes caught sight of something shiny, a glass bottle. I reached through the bars praying that my arms were long enough to reach it. Finally after what seemed like hours, the bottle was in my grip. I read the writing. CODINE. It was a clear liquid and on the tray was an injection needle. I felt like I was swirling and then suddenly I was back on the floor. The bottle was back on the table this time out of reach. I felt normal again, not as tired but still unnatural. There was a man in the corner. I could smell him he stunk compared to the cleanness of the room. It as then that I realized it was bleach. Everything had been washed in bleach, and scrubbed until it was smooth to the touch. Even me. I had no scent there was nothing to track me with, there was no one who would find me. I was completely and utterly alone. I think it was then that I started screaming.
I can’t sleep without Wolf nearby, if I try to then they always come back.
The doctor had me again. But this time there were no bottles to be seen, only needles. I couldn’t see his face only his hands. They were cold and gloved gripping my arm hard enough to bruise. I tried to pull away but he still had me, he wouldn’t let me go. The needles changed colors there was a clear one, a yellow one, a brown one. They all did different things. I was scared, terrified really. There was nothing I could do. No where left to run. No one to come looking. I was going to die and it was going to be painful and slow.
I’m scared of my dreams. How am I supposed to sleep if I can’t breathe unless I’m awake?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Night
You are like the night sky
Scarred by both stars and the moon
But still beautiful and unending
Or perhaps you have an end
And like the millions of children
Who look up and see the sky
I am to blinded by your color to see it
So what happens when I reach your end?
When I stumble across it
With my two left feet
And my clumsy untied shoes
When I trip upon it
Quite by accident
And really, actually, cause you serious pain.
Could you forgive me
And all my flaws
Much like the night sky that so resembles you
For when tomorrow comes and the sun sets once more
As we know it will
You and I can start again
We can meet
And I can stumble
With my two left feet and my clumsy untied shoes
And never worry about hurting you again.
Spring
Our love is not like roses
Our love is not like spring
To say it is, is not only a lie
But a mockery of what we mean to each other
Our love resembles winter
Cold harsh and unyielding
It has not the warmth of summer
Nor the fickleness of fall
Our love is like a sickness
Violent and catastrophic
Infecting both of us
Multiplying and spreading
Until there is nothing left to corrupt.
Our love is like ice
Both beautiful and deadly
Freezing both us and our problems
To a single place in time
Our love is a mountain and a landslide
Pressing us together
The friction crushing us
To but mere fragments
Of what we once were
But through all of this our love is strong
Helping us and shielding us
From life's hard realities
All the while forcing us
To make decisions and choices
We never wanted to make
We will survive our winter
We will grow and evolve
Like seeds hidden in the ground
And then maybe our love
Can be like spring.
Our love is not like spring
To say it is, is not only a lie
But a mockery of what we mean to each other
Our love resembles winter
Cold harsh and unyielding
It has not the warmth of summer
Nor the fickleness of fall
Our love is like a sickness
Violent and catastrophic
Infecting both of us
Multiplying and spreading
Until there is nothing left to corrupt.
Our love is like ice
Both beautiful and deadly
Freezing both us and our problems
To a single place in time
Our love is a mountain and a landslide
Pressing us together
The friction crushing us
To but mere fragments
Of what we once were
But through all of this our love is strong
Helping us and shielding us
From life's hard realities
All the while forcing us
To make decisions and choices
We never wanted to make
We will survive our winter
We will grow and evolve
Like seeds hidden in the ground
And then maybe our love
Can be like spring.
Love is Bullshit
Listen close
Can’t you tell
Theses words are saying nothing that they mean
They don’t mean anything
And at the same time they are the only thing that matters
If you look at the words
You have no idea
What I mean
Just listen
Close your eyes and feel them
They can scream to you
Or they can be silent
You can chose
Fuck this
Fuck you fuck me
And fuck this whole wide world
There is nothing here but you and me and us and nothing
Please don’t listen to me
You don’t understand me
I’m not making much sense
There was a problem
And I haven’t been the same since
Please don’t walk away
You don’t know
What I have to say
Close your eyes
You can't see through my disguise
Stop to hear me
And listen to my surprise
I love you
I need you
I can t stand a day without you
You don’t know me
And I don’t know you
Our love is like a fairy tale
It makes me smile
But it’s so stale
Can’t you tell
Theses words are saying nothing that they mean
They don’t mean anything
And at the same time they are the only thing that matters
If you look at the words
You have no idea
What I mean
Just listen
Close your eyes and feel them
They can scream to you
Or they can be silent
You can chose
Fuck this
Fuck you fuck me
And fuck this whole wide world
There is nothing here but you and me and us and nothing
Please don’t listen to me
You don’t understand me
I’m not making much sense
There was a problem
And I haven’t been the same since
Please don’t walk away
You don’t know
What I have to say
Close your eyes
You can't see through my disguise
Stop to hear me
And listen to my surprise
I love you
I need you
I can t stand a day without you
You don’t know me
And I don’t know you
Our love is like a fairy tale
It makes me smile
But it’s so stale
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Anger, pain, betrayal. Am I really here, again?
Hello folks.
Perhaps something’s have been happening to you or your friends that have forced you to look at the world a bit differently than you used to. Maybe a ghost sprung out of your ceiling and sat down to have a nice cup of tea with you or maybe you’ve just learned that you are an outsider.
Now here is where I need to clear some air that has built up around this issue. Pack members are not a part of the "in crowd". It isn’t like high school, you can’t dress the right way, wear the right make up, or drink the right liquor to get in. You’re born with it. It’s like your ethnicity, you can’t take it off or change it; it is in your genetics. Now when a pack member calls you an outsider; don’t take offence, you are one. This is our name for you and if you don’t like it then don’t speak with us.
You have always been an outsider, just like we have always been pack.
We aren’t saying that we are better than you; we are only saying that we are different. All I mean to do by writing this is to ask that because you don’t understand us and because we don’t understand you, don’t make remarks about things you don’t understand. We have rules and hierarchy that we live by, so do you. We just speak a different language and our rules aren’t the same.
Please quit acting like you understand everything because you don’t, and we have never claimed to know all. We have never chased you from your friends or ridiculed your beliefs. We have never told you that you were wrong. Even when we thought your ideas would get us killed we stayed and helped as best we could. We have never and will never ever believe you to be less than us. We are equals and we have always said it as such.
We are not better than you. You are not better than us. We are just not the same. And that’s alright; if everyone was exactly the same then we would all be terribly bored and hate everything about life. Being different is not a crime. It’s what makes us who we are. Don’t persecute us for being who we are, because we have never done that to you.
We only want everyone to get along. So you do your thing and we’ll do ours, and if we clash in the middle then we will deal with it when the time comes.
Until then, please just leave us alone.
Mayhem
Perhaps something’s have been happening to you or your friends that have forced you to look at the world a bit differently than you used to. Maybe a ghost sprung out of your ceiling and sat down to have a nice cup of tea with you or maybe you’ve just learned that you are an outsider.
Now here is where I need to clear some air that has built up around this issue. Pack members are not a part of the "in crowd". It isn’t like high school, you can’t dress the right way, wear the right make up, or drink the right liquor to get in. You’re born with it. It’s like your ethnicity, you can’t take it off or change it; it is in your genetics. Now when a pack member calls you an outsider; don’t take offence, you are one. This is our name for you and if you don’t like it then don’t speak with us.
You have always been an outsider, just like we have always been pack.
We aren’t saying that we are better than you; we are only saying that we are different. All I mean to do by writing this is to ask that because you don’t understand us and because we don’t understand you, don’t make remarks about things you don’t understand. We have rules and hierarchy that we live by, so do you. We just speak a different language and our rules aren’t the same.
Please quit acting like you understand everything because you don’t, and we have never claimed to know all. We have never chased you from your friends or ridiculed your beliefs. We have never told you that you were wrong. Even when we thought your ideas would get us killed we stayed and helped as best we could. We have never and will never ever believe you to be less than us. We are equals and we have always said it as such.
We are not better than you. You are not better than us. We are just not the same. And that’s alright; if everyone was exactly the same then we would all be terribly bored and hate everything about life. Being different is not a crime. It’s what makes us who we are. Don’t persecute us for being who we are, because we have never done that to you.
We only want everyone to get along. So you do your thing and we’ll do ours, and if we clash in the middle then we will deal with it when the time comes.
Until then, please just leave us alone.
Mayhem
Saturday, August 15, 2009
BANNERS?
Hello world! Well for starters today is just another not so special day that requires more than a little prodding to remove me from my sleep encrusted cave, and that being said my wonderful pack mate has given me beautiful banners for this blog!
[Pan they are freaking beautiful!]
However there is just one problem, I have only room for one. So here is how I am going to be doing this. I am going to use one banner a week. And keep rotating them around so I get to see all of them. Pan’s beautiful contribution to this blog has inspired me and now I ask that all of my readers please send in a banner! They don’t have to be super fantastically amazing but I love banners. And I will give you credit!
Don’t feel like you have to, this is just something that struck me randomly that I decided to do. I’ll be making banners as well!
Please post a link to your banners as a comment on this blog. Or just comment because you love me. :] But regardless, have fun!
At the end of the week I will pick the best banner and the winner gets to hang out with me for a whole day! I’ll even buy food! We can do whatever you want. I’ll just be there to rock your world twelve ways from Sunday!
Sincerely,
Mayhem
Banners:
Made by Pan:
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/LionLioness-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/animalsblackwhitelionphotography-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/lion-1.png
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/myhandsaretiedox9-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/458-CO-3-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/wisdom5lov-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/bullshit.jpg
Made by Mayhem:
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/The_Lion_by_death00.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/lion-2.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/BANNER-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/GAH.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/heartfelt.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/butterflies.jpg
[Pan they are freaking beautiful!]
However there is just one problem, I have only room for one. So here is how I am going to be doing this. I am going to use one banner a week. And keep rotating them around so I get to see all of them. Pan’s beautiful contribution to this blog has inspired me and now I ask that all of my readers please send in a banner! They don’t have to be super fantastically amazing but I love banners. And I will give you credit!
Don’t feel like you have to, this is just something that struck me randomly that I decided to do. I’ll be making banners as well!
Please post a link to your banners as a comment on this blog. Or just comment because you love me. :] But regardless, have fun!
At the end of the week I will pick the best banner and the winner gets to hang out with me for a whole day! I’ll even buy food! We can do whatever you want. I’ll just be there to rock your world twelve ways from Sunday!
Sincerely,
Mayhem
Banners:
Made by Pan:
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/LionLioness-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/animalsblackwhitelionphotography-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/lion-1.png
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/myhandsaretiedox9-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/458-CO-3-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/wisdom5lov-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/bullshit.jpg
Made by Mayhem:
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/The_Lion_by_death00.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/lion-2.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/BANNER-1.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/GAH.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/heartfelt.jpg
http://i219.photobucket.com/albums/cc99/Ryujoker/BANNERS/butterflies.jpg
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Death to the Outsiders [Or Maybe Just Me]
Time to complain:
Okay if you are reading this and you think for even one second that something might have to do with you, it probably does. And I am most likely pissed at you and you should walk on fucking eggshells for a few days until I get my bearings or until you all shut the fuck up and listen to what I am god damn saying.
Firstly I’m going to talk about Wolf.
I’ve come to the realization that I am a walking train wreak. I’m sleeping with a guy, who is absolutely fucking fantastic in bed and for a good long while that was all he wanted. Then he left his girlfriend, and then he started to like me, now he wants to date me. What the fuck did I just do?
Please tell me I did not just play bitch and roll over and let him win. I did not submit to an Outsider. I did not kiss a fucking Outsider and like it. I did not just agree to be said Outsider’s girlfriend.
Am I single? Is it monogamous? Am I a fucking placeholder until someone better comes along? Do I have any idea what the fuck is going on? Does he? Why does this give me more questions than it does answers? Aren't relationships supposed to be healthy?
Wolf you also have the wonderful habit of talking about things that I would rather keep quiet. You’re an Outsider, and sometimes when I live in my little delusional world, I forget that. As such you don’t understand pack rules. Because you don’t understand, you shouldn't talk about it. Do me a favor and shut up before you get me into trouble I can’t get out of. If you like me so goddamn much, do me at least that favor.
You know what? Fuck this. Fuck that. I am not a piece of meat. I did not let him mark me and NO, I DO NOT LIKE AN OUTSIDER. End of fucking story.
Even if I really do like him, I am no longer admitting it. [Or perhaps just in private company. >.<]
Okay I really like him and I am pissed that I don't understand him and that he doesn't understand me. But don't look to shocked by this admission or by this rant. This lioness is looking for a way out of her cage and for the moment the only way to do that is by raging against the bars.
Next up on my train of destruction. Mouse.
Hey there sweetheart. You have been a right doll and you are always there when I need a little girl time. Unfortunately, you also have the wonderful habit of pissing me the fuck off. You say you want my life. Well if you want it so much then fucking take it.
Here’s your checklist:
Dress like a whore
Meet a drug dealer
Get addicted to drugs
Become a whore for aforementioned drugs
Get addicted to aforementioned drug dealer
Get off drugs
Get addicted to sex
Lose EVERYONE important to you
[And the list goes on an on.]
Now reading that list is just a fucking starter, it’s a taste of some of the bad shit I've been though. I’ll be the first one to tell everyone I meet about my awesome stories and all of the good times I've had. What I don’t talk about is the shit that went wrong for me to get there.
Sometimes, like with Wolf, I forget that you are an outsider. And as such, I forget that you have a hard time understanding what I consider normal. You don’t have the same mannerisms, and obviously no matter how hard you try you will never be like me. You don’t want a pack because you don’t understand the pack way of life. You don’t have the genetics, and I’m sorry sweat heart but that is required.
You are not being my friend. You are being a groupie. Stop idolizing me, I am not the almighty and while I think it’s cute that you want to be like me, I think it’s damn near time you got your own perspective and you started living your own life.
Also thanks for comparing me to a drug addict ass-face you used to know. That really won you serious brownie points.
Lastly what I said was true I don’t care what you call me or if you talk shit about me when I can’t make it to something that you want me to go to. I don’t care if you hit me or throw things at me like a child. I don’t give a fuck about any of that. Why you ask? Because you’re not in my pack and that means whatever you say or do doesn't matter. The only people who matter aren't Outsiders, because Outsider’s don’t understand.
And next… Pan?
Hey there Pan, today I realized it’s us against the world. Thanks for helping me avoid that special bullet with my name on it. I’m so glad I have you to help me believe there are others out there. If there are, then we will find them and bring them home.
Then in a truly SINISTER fashion:
All of my problems went poof and I got my happy ending, that I don't deserve and that doesn't exist.
Sincerely,
Mayhem
Okay if you are reading this and you think for even one second that something might have to do with you, it probably does. And I am most likely pissed at you and you should walk on fucking eggshells for a few days until I get my bearings or until you all shut the fuck up and listen to what I am god damn saying.
Firstly I’m going to talk about Wolf.
I’ve come to the realization that I am a walking train wreak. I’m sleeping with a guy, who is absolutely fucking fantastic in bed and for a good long while that was all he wanted. Then he left his girlfriend, and then he started to like me, now he wants to date me. What the fuck did I just do?
Please tell me I did not just play bitch and roll over and let him win. I did not submit to an Outsider. I did not kiss a fucking Outsider and like it. I did not just agree to be said Outsider’s girlfriend.
Am I single? Is it monogamous? Am I a fucking placeholder until someone better comes along? Do I have any idea what the fuck is going on? Does he? Why does this give me more questions than it does answers? Aren't relationships supposed to be healthy?
Wolf you also have the wonderful habit of talking about things that I would rather keep quiet. You’re an Outsider, and sometimes when I live in my little delusional world, I forget that. As such you don’t understand pack rules. Because you don’t understand, you shouldn't talk about it. Do me a favor and shut up before you get me into trouble I can’t get out of. If you like me so goddamn much, do me at least that favor.
You know what? Fuck this. Fuck that. I am not a piece of meat. I did not let him mark me and NO, I DO NOT LIKE AN OUTSIDER. End of fucking story.
Even if I really do like him, I am no longer admitting it. [Or perhaps just in private company. >.<]
Okay I really like him and I am pissed that I don't understand him and that he doesn't understand me. But don't look to shocked by this admission or by this rant. This lioness is looking for a way out of her cage and for the moment the only way to do that is by raging against the bars.
Next up on my train of destruction. Mouse.
Hey there sweetheart. You have been a right doll and you are always there when I need a little girl time. Unfortunately, you also have the wonderful habit of pissing me the fuck off. You say you want my life. Well if you want it so much then fucking take it.
Here’s your checklist:
Dress like a whore
Meet a drug dealer
Get addicted to drugs
Become a whore for aforementioned drugs
Get addicted to aforementioned drug dealer
Get off drugs
Get addicted to sex
Lose EVERYONE important to you
[And the list goes on an on.]
Now reading that list is just a fucking starter, it’s a taste of some of the bad shit I've been though. I’ll be the first one to tell everyone I meet about my awesome stories and all of the good times I've had. What I don’t talk about is the shit that went wrong for me to get there.
Sometimes, like with Wolf, I forget that you are an outsider. And as such, I forget that you have a hard time understanding what I consider normal. You don’t have the same mannerisms, and obviously no matter how hard you try you will never be like me. You don’t want a pack because you don’t understand the pack way of life. You don’t have the genetics, and I’m sorry sweat heart but that is required.
You are not being my friend. You are being a groupie. Stop idolizing me, I am not the almighty and while I think it’s cute that you want to be like me, I think it’s damn near time you got your own perspective and you started living your own life.
Also thanks for comparing me to a drug addict ass-face you used to know. That really won you serious brownie points.
Lastly what I said was true I don’t care what you call me or if you talk shit about me when I can’t make it to something that you want me to go to. I don’t care if you hit me or throw things at me like a child. I don’t give a fuck about any of that. Why you ask? Because you’re not in my pack and that means whatever you say or do doesn't matter. The only people who matter aren't Outsiders, because Outsider’s don’t understand.
And next… Pan?
Hey there Pan, today I realized it’s us against the world. Thanks for helping me avoid that special bullet with my name on it. I’m so glad I have you to help me believe there are others out there. If there are, then we will find them and bring them home.
Then in a truly SINISTER fashion:
All of my problems went poof and I got my happy ending, that I don't deserve and that doesn't exist.
Sincerely,
Mayhem
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