So I finally moved thank god to a really nice apartment with my boyfriend who I now realise I've been attacking a lot lately with very little reason attached to why I'm doing it. I guess I just get mad and then lash out at him. Not that that makes it okay but at least I know why I'm doing it right? He does things that really piss me off sometimes but I really have to learn to let things go, I think I'm just seriously emotional and stressed and it dosn't help when he breaks promises and scares me to death by leaveing and not coming home all night. [Which he did a few weeks ago!] Although to be fair I sort of walk out on him all the time, he has been saying that I;m looking for an excuse to leave him but I'm not. I just want his attention and his love and when he is being a dick its the only way to get him to shut up and listen to me. Does that make me a horrible person? I feel like it does.
He can be a wonderful guy sometimes and a total prick at others so it's really hard to gauge him. he always has me walking on egg shells to avoid pissing him off but recently he brought it to my attention that I've got him doing the exact same thing. I wonder if we could go back to how things were when we started this relationship, nonstop sex and happy days. It seemed so easy back then. I wonder how it got hard. Why do people fight after the honeymoon stage? It dosn't really make sense to me, wouldn't you just enjoy eachothers company and stay happy? What makes it change? Why do we change our minds? How do we go back? I suppose we can't go backwards, but if thats true then shouldn't we at least try to go towards being happy rather than attacking eachother non stop for our own personal glory. I think we litterally have arguments sometimes that the only purpose for is for the victor to say "I'm right your wrong!" It's incredibly stupid.
On a side note our apartment is beautiful and at some point I will post up pictures not that anyone ever reads this.
I have managed to get back up to 148 pounds and I feel huge. I could kick myself for this but I wont. I am going to lose the weight as soon as I start eating better. Which should be soon. I really need to get control of myself again. I used to have so much power and now I feel like I'm a fat ugly slob who cant even put down the Ice Cream and go run on a treadmill. I will get control of myself, I can do this. I am strong. I know what I am capable of I have done this before and I can do it again. HAVE FAITH THIS WILL ALL WORK OUT!
In the mean time I should mention Nemo my newest puppy, she is freaking adorable and she makes both Thizzles and Rexi VERY jealous, She is adorable though and she loves to play, in fact it kinda hard to get her to cuddle because she is so playful! I love it though, she reminds me of Thizzles when she was a puppy. Although Thiz is pretty much the only one who can keep up with her!
Well I suppose that I should try to sleep soon so I will make this the end and quit my endless rambling.
Here's to new beginnings and hopefully new friends,
SM
