I have begun to wonder if I will ever have a home of my own.
I have a husband and dogs and I have faith that eventually we will have a child
of our own, however my whole life I have never had a real home. My husband told
me he grew up in a mobile home and he liked it just fine but I want something
real. Something permanent. I want a house that cannot be taken away from me.
I suppose it is also too much to ask for a house that
doesn’t look like a regular house. I think I’ve over romanticized it in my head
a bit but I really want a house that looks like a fairy tale. Like a hobbit
house or like one of the stone houses out of Marie Antoinette’s village. I like
the idea of having a home that is as strange and unique as I am. A place that
is big enough for a large family, [My husband wants four kids can you even
imagine?], but I also want room to play video games and to have a craft room.
Honestly those two things can be in the same room if it is big enough. I want a
library that is filled with books and a formal dining hall that we can use to
entertain our friends and family. I think the only way that I am going to have
those things is if we either buy a castle somewhere or if we build a house and
we customize it to fit my wants and needs.
I recognize that it is not exactly realistic but it’s what I
want. Is that asking too much?
I suppose it is.
So I have decided to settle and get a normal house somewhere
that will make Wash happy and that we can be a relatively normal married
couple. Maybe If I settle a little more we can follow through with his plan and
I won’t redecorate the house the way I want it and then in a few years we can
sell it and get a better place that I really want to live for the rest of our
lives together.
I still need to buy a car too. Wash is remaining
optimistic on that front but I am slowly beginning to lose faith. It seems like
every time I manage to pull my head out from under the water another wave comes
by and puts me under. Even if I do manage to get the car I want what is
stopping it from breaking down again or worse another wreck that is not my
fault but that results in us being out of a car for another 6 months? That’s
right you guessed it nothing is stopping it from happening because that is how
life works. Life is a roller coaster that goes up and down and then up again
with nothing to save us from ourselves. I don’t like this coaster anymore, it’s
missing the safety bar and the seat belt and I’m waiting to go flying off into
the great abyss at the next big drop.
I feel so lost. I just want to feel better but I honestly
don’t think that it is going to happen anytime soon.
My very favorite female friend is having a baby. She just
told me about it a few days ago and I am so excited for her that it is unreal.
I am also uncontrollably and irrevocably jealous. I really want to start moving
forward in my life with Wash. I want to start a family with him. For the
first time in my life I really think I’m ready and we can’t even start trying
until we have a car and a house. I understand that it is far more logical and
responsible to wait until we are at least a little bit more financially stable
but that does not change the fact that I want to start trying. I want to start
our family. She doesn’t have a real job or even a steady boyfriend but since
her parents bought her a house she has a place to start a family. She does not
even know which dude’s baby it is that she hooked up with. All of that doesn’t
mean shit though because she is going to have the thing that I want more than
anything. I guess it will be good practice for us though, we can babysit and I
can help her decorate a nursery and get her registered for everything she
needs. I can show her all of the cute baby names and toys and she can steal it
all because it’s not like I’m ever going to need them.
Did I mention I told her one baby name that Wash and I
picked out and she is going to steal it? Yeah that’s right my only female
friend is straight up jacking the name I picked out because she watches a TV
show about Vikings and she is into it for now. I am hoping that as soon as her
mood changes that she will pick a new name and it won’t be the one I picked out
for my [hopefully someday soon] future son.
I feel like I am falling behind in life, I was supposed to
be so much further along by this point.
Wash is going out of town again this weekend. It seems
like every time I need him around he ends up leaving for some reason or
another. I know I shouldn’t blame him and that it isn’t his fault. I know that
it’s just the roller coaster again going down when I need it to stay level for a
while.
I saw this dude that tried to kill himself at work last
week. It is still there rolling around in my head like a bad dream that I can’t
quite shake. I don’t think it is wrong that he tried to kill himself. I don’t
know what he did to get put in prison but the chances of him being innocent are
astronomically tiny. I just think it was selfish of him to do it in the way
that he did. He could have at least tried to do it cleanly. The guy had the
alphabet soup of blood-borne pathogens and his bitch ass decided to slit his
wrist. I mean really? Did you have to try to infect others as well I mean what
the fuck is wrong with people these days? I keep seeing the blood every time I close
my eyes, it was everywhere. Down the run all over the floor and the cell he was
in was brutal. It looked like a murder, there was this white bowl and it was
running over with blood just dripping down the sides. The mattress was
completely saturated with blood and it was on the walls and pooling out of the cell
like a small river of red. I mean I have seen some fucked up shit in my life fatal car accidents, bodies and things like that; but that one was new for me.
Anyhow I have had a rough year I am the heaviest I have been
in almost 5 years and I don’t really know what to do with myself. Part of me
just wants to up my medication and go back to not eating. Since I won’t be
having a child anytime soon there is really no point to trying to be healthy
anymore. Besides we could totally save money if I’m not eating like the great
white whale all the time. Perhaps it is best to just give up on being recovered
and move back into what I know how to do best. I mean the only thing I can
control is myself right?
I almost forgot to mention that my uncle killed himself a
few months back. He got into a fight with his girlfriend and I guess he downed
a bunch of pills and said fuck it to life in general. He was really the only
one in my family that I could identify with. He was like me, he loved tattoos
and he listened to heavy metal. He understood my thoughts and feelings in life
in a way I have never known in any other family member including my brother.
Honestly I'm still broken over the whole thing. I can't believe this is how life is going again.
Someone help me please I don't think I can handle this coaster anymore.
