204

I had a baby. I’m huge now but she is perfect so I feel okay about it. I’m breastfeeding her which means I get no sleep but I love her so I think it is worth it. I am starting a new weight loss journey that is healthy for many reasons the most important of which is this baby. I can not let her grow up and be like me. So I have resolved to eat well and work out normally and no matter what happens to teach my daughter that she is beautiful. I hope everyone out there reading this will feel the same someday.

Much love,

Miss Sinister 

To fucking heavy to post I am ashamed.

I have begun to wonder if I will ever have a home of my own. I have a husband and dogs and I have faith that eventually we will have a child of our own, however my whole life I have never had a real home. My husband told me he grew up in a mobile home and he liked it just fine but I want something real. Something permanent. I want a house that cannot be taken away from me.

I suppose it is also too much to ask for a house that doesn’t look like a regular house. I think I’ve over romanticized it in my head a bit but I really want a house that looks like a fairy tale. Like a hobbit house or like one of the stone houses out of Marie Antoinette’s village. I like the idea of having a home that is as strange and unique as I am. A place that is big enough for a large family, [My husband wants four kids can you even imagine?], but I also want room to play video games and to have a craft room. Honestly those two things can be in the same room if it is big enough. I want a library that is filled with books and a formal dining hall that we can use to entertain our friends and family. I think the only way that I am going to have those things is if we either buy a castle somewhere or if we build a house and we customize it to fit my wants and needs.

I recognize that it is not exactly realistic but it’s what I want. Is that asking too much?

I suppose it is.

So I have decided to settle and get a normal house somewhere that will make Wash happy and that we can be a relatively normal married couple. Maybe If I settle a little more we can follow through with his plan and I won’t redecorate the house the way I want it and then in a few years we can sell it and get a better place that I really want to live for the rest of our lives together.

I still need to buy a car too. Wash is remaining optimistic on that front but I am slowly beginning to lose faith. It seems like every time I manage to pull my head out from under the water another wave comes by and puts me under. Even if I do manage to get the car I want what is stopping it from breaking down again or worse another wreck that is not my fault but that results in us being out of a car for another 6 months? That’s right you guessed it nothing is stopping it from happening because that is how life works. Life is a roller coaster that goes up and down and then up again with nothing to save us from ourselves. I don’t like this coaster anymore, it’s missing the safety bar and the seat belt and I’m waiting to go flying off into the great abyss at the next big drop.

I feel so lost. I just want to feel better but I honestly don’t think that it is going to happen anytime soon.

My very favorite female friend is having a baby. She just told me about it a few days ago and I am so excited for her that it is unreal. I am also uncontrollably and irrevocably jealous. I really want to start moving forward in my life with Wash. I want to start a family with him. For the first time in my life I really think I’m ready and we can’t even start trying until we have a car and a house. I understand that it is far more logical and responsible to wait until we are at least a little bit more financially stable but that does not change the fact that I want to start trying. I want to start our family. She doesn’t have a real job or even a steady boyfriend but since her parents bought her a house she has a place to start a family. She does not even know which dude’s baby it is that she hooked up with. All of that doesn’t mean shit though because she is going to have the thing that I want more than anything. I guess it will be good practice for us though, we can babysit and I can help her decorate a nursery and get her registered for everything she needs. I can show her all of the cute baby names and toys and she can steal it all because it’s not like I’m ever going to need them.

Did I mention I told her one baby name that Wash and I picked out and she is going to steal it? Yeah that’s right my only female friend is straight up jacking the name I picked out because she watches a TV show about Vikings and she is into it for now. I am hoping that as soon as her mood changes that she will pick a new name and it won’t be the one I picked out for my [hopefully someday soon] future son.

I feel like I am falling behind in life, I was supposed to be so much further along by this point.

Wash is going out of town again this weekend. It seems like every time I need him around he ends up leaving for some reason or another. I know I shouldn’t blame him and that it isn’t his fault. I know that it’s just the roller coaster again going down when I need it to stay level for a while.

I saw this dude that tried to kill himself at work last week. It is still there rolling around in my head like a bad dream that I can’t quite shake. I don’t think it is wrong that he tried to kill himself. I don’t know what he did to get put in prison but the chances of him being innocent are astronomically tiny. I just think it was selfish of him to do it in the way that he did. He could have at least tried to do it cleanly. The guy had the alphabet soup of blood-borne pathogens and his bitch ass decided to slit his wrist. I mean really? Did you have to try to infect others as well I mean what the fuck is wrong with people these days? I keep seeing the blood every time I close my eyes, it was everywhere. Down the run all over the floor and the cell he was in was brutal. It looked like a murder, there was this white bowl and it was running over with blood just dripping down the sides. The mattress was completely saturated with blood and it was on the walls and pooling out of the cell like a small river of red. I mean I have seen some fucked up shit in my life fatal car accidents, bodies and things like that; but that one was new for me.

Anyhow I have had a rough year I am the heaviest I have been in almost 5 years and I don’t really know what to do with myself. Part of me just wants to up my medication and go back to not eating. Since I won’t be having a child anytime soon there is really no point to trying to be healthy anymore. Besides we could totally save money if I’m not eating like the great white whale all the time. Perhaps it is best to just give up on being recovered and move back into what I know how to do best. I mean the only thing I can control is myself right?

I almost forgot to mention that my uncle killed himself a few months back. He got into a fight with his girlfriend and I guess he downed a bunch of pills and said fuck it to life in general. He was really the only one in my family that I could identify with. He was like me, he loved tattoos and he listened to heavy metal. He understood my thoughts and feelings in life in a way I have never known in any other family member including my brother. Honestly I'm still broken over the whole thing. I can't believe this is how life is going again. 

Someone help me please I don't think I can handle this coaster anymore.

159.5

Going down by liquid fasting!

Let's keep it up!

165.5

I'm feeling really big these days. I am getting married again in October and I'm really happy but it's hard for me to balance being happy with eating well. I've been liquid fasting for a few days now and I've lost like four pounds. I just feel like it's not enough. Like I should be doing more to lose weight before the wedding.

Maybe I can get V to go on a run with me?

The cravings are what is killing me the most. I want to go to the store buy chips and chocolate and eat everything in site.

Help?

151.8

I'm back on my meds. I didn't eat for two days from sheer nausea. But I've lost weight so who cares! Hopefully I can keep working out and eating healthier as I move forward with fixing myself.

My friends are saving my heart these days. I have the best friends ever. My Army bro is a dream come true when looking for a personal trainer.  He is keeping me motivated to keep working out.

I'm doing really well though. I finally feel happy again.

Stay beautiful!

Miss Sinister

Ben is gone.

We are on a break but I know I can't get back with him. After what he said and did, which I don't really want to talk about at the moment, I can't forgive him. Especially since I already gave him one once before. I can't do it anymore. I just can't be that person who is bullied into being sad or lonely anymore. I deserve more than that.

I did meet two dudes that I am incredibly fond of whom for now I will call Bear and Snake. They have been a huge emotional support to me during all this bullshit.

Bear doesn't eat either so while he is a constant trigger to me he makes me feel better about myself. He calls me beautiful all the time. Snake just hugs me and eats all the food I make for him without complaint. I don't think I could have survived this break up without them.

I have not been able to weigh myself since I have gone over the weekend to visit family. I'm not sure I even want to given the sheer amount of food I ate today and yesterday.  My grandmother is as bat crap crazy as my mom is but my aunt was awesome. I miss them like crazy already.

Tonight I'm going to Bear's house and I'm going to climb in his bed and just hide there. Good night all I love you.

Miss Sinister